Every couple
about to be married, whether they admit it or not, harbors dreams of a
“perfect” life together. Many newlyweds have told us how “lucky” they
felt on their wedding day.
At some point, however, every husband and wife realize that they are
not a perfect match. They don’t think, feel, and behave in the same
ways. Merging their two personalities and backgrounds is more difficult
than they expected. That’s when they resign from the hope of living
happily ever after.
But there is an alternative.
Marriages can never be perfect because people are not
perfect. Being human, every bride and groom has faults as well as
virtues. We are at times gloomy, cranky, selfish, or unreasonable. We
are a mixture of generous, altruistic feelings combined with self-seeking
aims, petty vanities, and ambitions. We unite love and courage with
selfishness and fear.
Marriage is an alloy of gold and tin. If we expect more than this, we
are doomed to disappointment.
So, how can a couple live happily ever after?
Not by depending on externals. Too many couples view
marriage as winning the lottery: They got lucky, and now they will have
interesting and exciting experiences. Now they will be loved and
affirmed. Now they will be fulfilled. But marriage is not like winning
the lottery — at least not like we think winning the lottery
would be.
An unexpected cash windfall would certainly make you happy. But only
for a short while. Researchers have discovered that a random event
(being “lucky”) occurring without your input does not create long-term
happiness. You need a sense of mastery, of control; the feeling that
something good has happened because you caused it to
happen.
Living happily ever after only works when you make
it work. When you take the raw materials of marriage — the good and the
bad that you’ve brought together as persons — to design, create, and
build a lasting bond, the result is an enduring and meaningful sense of
genuine fulfillment.
If, on the other hand, you are counting on the magic of marriage to make
you happy, the relationship will leave you crushed, lonely, feeling
like a failure, and resigned to your despair.
Happiness is an inside job. That’s why living happily ever after need
not be a myth.
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