Marriage "Mines"

By R. Scott Rodin

The road to a happy marriage is littered with mines. I can hear you say, “Yep, stepped on a few.” They are explosive and can leave a lot of wounds behind.  And yet, they are avoidable, if you are willing to identify them and steer clear.

There are three ‘marriage mines’ I will focus on: my needs, my time and my feelings.

The key to avoiding these mines is in understanding the difference between a stewardand an owner. Here’s a quick definition. Stewards see everything as belonging to God and their role is to take care of all God has given them. Owners see things as belonging to them and they are in control to use them as they please.

Imagine your son borrows your car and brings it back dirty and empty. When you confront him on it he replies, “Hey, I can do what I want. It’s my car.” Feel your blood pressure rising? He was given the role of a steward and he turned it into a negligent owner.

So here is the question – are you an owner or a steward of your marriage? Is it a gift from God that you steward lovingly and selflessly to glorify God, or do you see your marriage as ‘mine’, something you can control for your own ends?

With these definitions in place, let’s look at the three ‘mines’.

Marriage Mine #1: My Needs

Owners in a marriage focus on their own needs and look to their spouse to meet them. This can be overt or subtle. Needs can be for attention, praise, service, sex, etc.

We all have these needs and we hope they are met in our marriages. The key here is whether they are the focus of our marriage (owner) or the result of our desire to first meet the needs of our spouse (steward).

Owners control relationships to be sure their needs are met first. Stewards are free to meet the needs of their spouse first, believing that through sacrificial love, their needs will be met in return.

If you are always looking to get your needs met, you are stepping into a ’mine’ field. Step away and choose instead to be a steward that meets the needs of your spouse first and foremost.

Marriage Mine #2: My Time

Owners protect their time as their time. Stinginess with time is a major marriage ‘mine’ field. How often have you heard these phrases?

• “We don’t spend enough time together.”
• “You don’t spend enough time with the kids.”
• “You’re always spending time with your friends and not me.”

Time in a marriage is a precious commodity. If we use it and control it as owners we will constantly be stepping on the ‘mines’ of time.  

Here our Christian faith demands even more of us. The reality is, all time belongs to God. Every second we are alive is a gift from God. Stewards acknowledge this and  want nothing less than to invest their time as God directs. They pray about how God would have them use their time and they invest their time in the gifts he has given them. And marriage is at the top of that list.

How different would your marriage be if you both committed every second of your day to God and sought through prayer how He would have you spend it? How many time wasting habits would be broken? How many more minutes and hours would be freed up to invest in each other, in family, in devotions and in prayer?

Steward your time as God’s time and avoid the ‘my time’ mine field.

Marriage Mine #3: My Feelings

Just as with our needs and our time, owners focus on ‘my feelings’ first and try to control situations accordingly.

Owners protect their feelings and exact revenge when they are abused. When two people get entangled in a war of protection and revenge, marriages have hit significant ‘mine’ fields.

Stewards are free to love their spouse and guard their spouse’s feelings instead of their own. They follow the example of Jesus, “We love Him because He first loved us.” By investing our full self in the care taking of the feelings of our spouse, we not only show our love for them, but we set them free to do that same for us.

Steward the feelings of your spouse and avoid the ‘my feelings’ mine field. Remember, any hint of ownership and the whole thing falls apart.

When you turn these ‘mines’ into ‘yours’, ‘ours’ and ‘God’s’, your marriage can grow deeper and richer, and God gets the glory. Are you an owner or a steward of your marriage?