Tough relationship conversations can turn into a perfect storm.
They can flood the streets of love with the sewage of personal
attacks. From what I’ve learned, beating up a loved one is never a fair
fight. You know their deepest vulnerabilities, their most important
values. This gives you the power to structure what you say in a way that
cuts them down with a machete of words.
Have you ever
wondered why we do this? Why we intentionally hurt the one we love? Have
you ever wondered why we shut down and become “emotionally unavailable”
to our partners when they confront us on something that could improve
our relationship?
The problem
with intense conversations is that they confront the beliefs we hold
about our relationship, ourselves, and our partners.
So when something threatens to contradict the beliefs we hold about
how things are, our bodies flood with chemicals that increase our heart
rate. Our bodies prime to run away or fight and defend our point.
The 3 Signs of Emotional Flooding
Stage 1: We feel shocked by our partner’s comments, actions, or lack thereof.
Maybe they are
blaming us or accusing us of doing something we didn’t. Either way, our
bodies become tense as we experience something we didn’t expect.
Stage 2: We can’t calm down.
As our insides
flood, we become anxious. We feel as if our life is at stake. The more
flooded we feel, the more likely we turn into a reptile. Emotionally
flooded people and reptiles have two characteristics: they lack a sense
of humor, and they eat each other.
Our heart rate
skyrockets and our automatic instinctive reactive emotions take control
of our thoughts and actions. The notion of “choosing” is erroneous
because the section of our brain that chooses, our neocortex, is no
longer in control. The idea of fighting fair is abandoned because
reptiles never fight fair.
As we are
emotionally hijacked, we become deaf to any positive things our partner
may be saying. The narrator of our minds may take on a negative story of us. We blame our partners for the problem. We find flaws in everything they say or do.
And we tell them so.
Stage 3: Emotional Shutdown
If we continue
to become flooded without resolve, we eventually become numb to our
hurt. It becomes so overwhelming that we block it out completely.
According to John Gottman’s research, men tend to become emotionally
hijacked easier and stay flooded longer. Since we struggle to soothe
ourselves and calm down, we withdraw and go ice-cold to protect
ourselves.
From my own
experiences, doing so has brought a sense of relief in the heat of a
fight. The only problem is that shutting down only makes my partner’s
heart rate increase, causing them to flood more. This only escalates the
conflict.
Emotional
flooding is a major reason why humans suck at tough relationship
conversations. In fact, John Gottman’s research indicates that repeated
flooding in marriages is a predictor of divorce.
Flooding again and again, changes the story of us causing us to start to see our partners in a negative light. That light guides us towards the path of betrayal or singlehood.
So how can we be better at tough conversations? Here are the six steps I use and teach my clients:
Six Steps to Avoid Warfare in Relationships
Step 1: Awareness.
I become aware
that I feel like I am under attack by my partner. Sometimes I use the
Instant Heart Rate Iphone App to notice how elevated my heart rate is.
During emotional flooding, our heart rate can jump up to 20 or 30 beats
per minute. My average heart rate is 65 BPM, so if my heart rate jumps
to the 80’s while I am sitting down and having a conversation, I know my
body feels like it is in a war zone.
You can also
feel this in your body. You’ll feel overwhelmed. Anxious. You might
desire to attack your partner. Be aware of how your body feels.
Step 2: Assert my Flooding.
Once I have the
awareness I am flooded, I tell my partner that we have to stop talking
because I feel like I am going to start attacking her. This isn’t easy
to do, but it prevents me from eating her vulnerabilities alive.
You can say things like, “I’m losing it.” “I’m flooded and want to attack you.” “I’m getting upset.”
Step 3: Schedule a time to continue the conversation.
This is vital
if my partner brought up the argument. When I first learned to assert my
flooding, I would get the space I need, but I would avoid the
conversation next time I saw my partner. Over the following weeks, she
would stew over her unresolved problem and tension between us would
increase until we fought about it again.
Committing to
your partner to continue the conversation allows them to calm down and
realize that you can’t control your emotions in the present moment. But
they know when you can, you want to solve the problem at hand.
Step 4: Non-negotiated distance.
It’s your
responsibility to calm yourself down and take care of your flooded
state. This is non-negotiable with your partner. You need your space,
otherwise your words and actions are going to nuke the love right out of
the relationship. John Gottman’s research states that we should take a
20 minute break and emotionally distance ourselves from the
relationship.
I go on a
25-minute walk while listening to my favorite songs. Other people play
video games or find challenging tasks that consumes their cognitive
awareness.
During this
time, it’s vital that you think good thoughts about your partner. It’s
very easy to stay in your defensive state and stew over feeling
righteous, replaying wounding words your partner said, or allow yourself
to feel like a victim. The problem is this only escalates flooding.
Instead, ask yourself what is good and true about your significant
other. Focusing on the good will not only soothe your emotions, you’ll
also realize that they are not out to eat you alive!
Step 5: Note triggers.
Ask yourself
what caused yourself to turn into a reptile. Was it a word your partner
said? A way your partner moved? By noting the triggers that cause your
flooding, you can help them learn how to discuss uncomfortable topics
without drowning you in your own emotions.
FYI - If you know your partner’s triggers, it’s your responsibility to not be a dick. Don’t push those buttons.
Step 6: Soothe each other.
Before you
bring up the topic of discussion, talk with your partner about what
caused you to flood. Thank them for allowing you to take space to keep
the relationship intact.
“I’m thankful you let me stop before I said things I regretted.”
“I felt triggered when you mentioned that you needed more space. I think I fear being abandoned by you.”
Battling and
becoming aware of our instinctual reactions that cause a perfect storm
in love is not easy, but the more times you practice the six steps
above, the easier it will become. The healthier and happier your
relationship will become.
Remember, when
emotions become tense, love becomes nonsense. If you want your
relationship to last, give it the space it needs to breathe when the
fire gets too hot.
This article was taken from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kyle-benson/6-steps-to-avoid-losing-i_b_10761836.html
