Do's and Don'ts during Arguments

Let’s be real…even the happiest married couples have arguments.  And, sometimes, it can get ugly.

How we handle disagreements will greatly affect the health and strength of our marriage.  It’s healthy to talk things out, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it.  Dave and I have certainly had our share of disagreements, and we often talk to couples who have seriously hurt their partner simply because they don’t know how to navigate arguments.  There are a few DOs and DON’Ts that we need to keep in mind when arguing with our spouse:

1.  When you are super angry because your spouse disagrees with you…

DON’T:  Sling threats at each other.

There are times in our marriage that we will have a heated argument with our spouse, but we must resist completely losing our cool.  Many times, we end up threatening one another with things like…

“If you don’t do ______, then I won’t sleep with you.”

or,

“If you do _________, then I am going to take the kids to my mom’s house.”

or, the worst,

“If you __________, then I am going to divorce you.”

This only incites anger in each other and brings healthy communication to a screeching halt.  We also end up spewing “word vomit” all over each other, and those hurtful threats are hard to forgive, much less forget.

DO:  Let your partner finish his/her statements and calmly share your feelings as well.

If we want to come to a compromise, then we have to try and understand our spouse’s thoughts and feelings.  This can only happen when we allow them to speak freely, without interruptions or dirty looks from us.  Even if we completely disagree with how they perceive a certain situation, we need to listen intently.  When both partners do this calmly, then the line of communication remains wide open, and we will be able to resolve the argument. 

2.  When you feel like he/she isn’t listening to you at all… 

DON’T:  Let your anger take over and start screaming at each other.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to stop listening when someone starts yelling at me.  I end up shutting down mentally and emotionally.  This seems to be the case with most people.  Yelling also puts us in “fight or flight” mode.  We either approach the argument with our boxing gloves on or we run away and try to act like nothing is wrong.  Neither is an effective way to handle an argument.

DO:  Ask your partner for a five or ten-minute break and go find a quiet place, alone, to calm down.

It’s hard to think clearly when we are upset, and we often end up saying things that we can never take back.  If we end up in a loud, heated exchange with our partner, it’s best to speak up and ask for a five or ten-minute break from each other.  Then, both partners can find a quiet place to calm down, gather their thoughts, pray, and think about what they want the outcome of the disagreement to be.  This keeps the yelling and hurtful comments at bay, and sometimes, we end up realizing that what we’re arguing about really isn’t that important.  On the other hand, if we are disagreeing about a major decision or factor in our marriage and family, the pause in the argument will help us to see things more clearly.  Also, if you still feel frazzled and angry after ten minutes, take more time until you calm down and are in a better state of mind to communicate.

3.  When you and your spouse are at a standstill, and you can’t seem to resolve the disagreement…

 DON’T:  Call your Mom or Dad.

This may be a habit for many of you, but this is dangerous territory.  No matter how much our parents love our spouse, it is very hard for them to not have a skewed perspective that is perpetually in our favor.  Also, it’s unhealthy to place our parent’s opinion or advice ahead of our spouse’s. When we marry, we are “one” with our spouse, and we form our own separate family unit.  When we constantly bring our parents into any disagreement we may have with our partners, we are failing to “leave and cleave” (Genesis).  Sure, we value our parent’s advice, but we don’t need to tell Mom and Dad all the details of our arguments or all the things we don’t like about our spouse.

 DO:  Call an accountability partner or counselor. 

It’s hard for our family to see past our personal perspective of an argument, but a counselor or accountability partner can be more objective.  If we constantly argue with our spouse, then we really need to see a professional counselor.  It is not healthy to live in consistent disagreement, and a counselor is trained to help couples learn the tools necessary to create peaceful home.  If we have the occasional argument that we just can’t resolve, an accountability partner is extremely useful.  This could be a friend that shares your values and desire to maintain a strong marriage.  The accountability partner must be of our same gender and not part of our immediate family (i.e. Mom, Dad, sibling).  As accountability partners, the two of you will check in weekly and talk through some of the problems you are facing in your marriage.  In order for this to work, we have to be able to share the truth “in love” and not just tell our accountability partner what he/she wants to hear.  We are supposed to encourage him/her to communicate freely, put pride aside, and keep the marriage strong.

4.  When you can’t bring yourself to address a certain issue in your marriage…

 DON’T:  Act like there is no problem at all and build up resentment towards your spouse.

We are not mind readers.  We must communicate daily with our spouse, and we certainly need to address any issues we’re having in our marriage.  Sometimes, our partner is clueless that there is a problem.  An unspoken marital issue is like an undiagnosed cancer in our marriage.  Just because we haven’t discussed the issue doesn’t mean it’s not present.  We have to be open and honest, even when what we have to say is unfavorable.

 DO: Write down your thoughts and feelings about the issue, and have your spouse read it.

If we can’t bring ourselves to talk about an issue, then why not write it down?  This can be extremely effective because we can take the time to really think about how we want to address the issue with our spouse and how we would like to say it to him/her.  We have more of a filter with our tone and approach when we write things down.  I recommend handwriting the note or typing it out and physically handing it to your spouse instead of delivering it via text or email.  You want to be sure that your spouse receives it at an appropriate time and place, so he/she can give the note his/her full attention.  We need to allow our spouse time to process what we write in the note, and give him/her time to respond.  This gets the ball rolling and will help us to effectively address and resolve the issue.

(Source:  http://www.patheos.com/blogs/ashleywillis/)

Good ideas for wives AND husbands

Five Boundaries You Need to Protect Your Marriage

• When it is possible, do not allow yourself to be in a room alone with someone of the opposite gender. There are times when this situation is unavoidable, but many times it takes just a little bit of planning to make sure the husband and the wife are staying within this boundary. My husband has to meet with women often since he is a pastor/missionary. If I am unable to visit with him, he takes one of our children or someone in the church. Think of some ways in which you can handle situations discreetly and still keep your marriage top priority.
• Emails, Facebook messages, phone calls etc. to someone of the opposite gender are never secret. We make sure that we keep passwords to everything easily accessible and our history, messages etc. are always kept open. We are also pretty strict about who we “friend” on Facebook since that is an easy place to start up a conversation with someone of the opposite gender. Some couples go as far as having one account that they share, and that is amiable. My husband and I have chosen to have separate accounts because we have many friends who live thousands of miles away from us and enjoy connecting on Facebook. It makes a way where we can still chat with our friends separately. But either way, communication with people of the opposite gender should be open and never secret.
• Keep a reasonable distance from the opposite gender. If I am chatting with another man besides my husband, I make sure there is plenty of distance between us, and we are in a public setting with others around. Though most of my conversations are with women, sometimes I have to discuss a small matter with a man, and I keep it quick, polite and make sure that we are not in each other’s personal space. I appreciate it when I see other women speak to my husband with the same boundaries.
• Keep your eyes on each other. We stay away from well-populated beaches.Why? Because there are too many bodies there to draw our eyes away from each other. We also do not watch movies where women are wearing revealing clothing or men are removing their shirts. We want to focus our eyes on each other’s outward appearances and enjoy one another. We don’t want to give an opportunity for either one of us to focus on someone else’s body. Honestly, I have been ashamed and angered when married women have take pictures of other men, shared the pictures on social media and added the hashtag #eyecandy or #hottie. Other women went to male stripper movies and bragged about it on social media. Still, others talk and dream about other male celebrities. I am sure that makes husbands feel special, loved and desired. No, ladies, it is a shame and a disgrace. Let’s keep our minds and our intimate desires geared towards our husbands and them alone. It’s not just men that commit adultery!
• If you are engaged in a conversation with the opposite gender, keep the doors open for your spouse to jump in. It’s safest if you have to be involved with conversations with people of the opposite gender to include your spouse. Sometimes I say, “Hmmm…that’s a good question, why don’t you ask my husband?”
  Shortly after my husband and I were married, my husband and I were in different areas outside a busy section of town and a guy from high school recognized me. He said hello and then gave me a look over. He then proceeded to tell me that I looked “good.” I guess he didn’t notice the ring on my finger, because I was still very young for a married woman. I kindly smiled and mentioned I was here with my husband and pointed him out across the street. He nodded and walked away. On another occasion, I had a childhood friend call me up one day and start talking on the phone. He was married and I was married, but we hadn’t talked in years. I immediately took the phone to the living room and sat down beside my husband so my conversation was public and not hidden. It was simple, discreet and not rude to the other individual, but it was still keeping my marriage priority. Other times, I have seen my husband in a conversation with a woman, and he would wave me over, introduce and involve me in the conversation. Really, we are one flesh, and include each other in almost everything in our lives — especially keeping our marriage safe and protected.

When you promised to stay faithful and true to your spouse, you may not have realized what a dark and dirty world it is out there. I know, I didn’t. But, you have to fight to keep your promise. It’s not as easy as saying “I do” or “I will.” No, you have to make plans, strategies and boundaries. But above all else, you have to have faith and trust in God to help you be the best husband/wife your spouse could have. Consider making boundaries today and protect your marriage — at all costs!

(source:  www.pintsizedtreasures.com)

What will they remember?

The 5 things your spouse will remember about you

October 19, 2015 by Dave Willis

I recently heard a couple reminiscing about past memories together and the husband said, “Last year, I bought my wife some concert tickets for her birthday to hear a band we both loved when we were younger. It was a great night and during one of their most popular songs, I leaned over to her and said, ‘Wow, this song brings back a lot of memories! I remember that time this song came on the radio and we both started singing along and then we ended up pulling the car over and making out for awhile. That was amazing.’ My wife looked up at me and said, ‘That sounds like quite a memory, but that WASN’T ME!’” 

This couple can now laugh about that awkward memory, but it also caused them to serioulsy spend more time talking about the memories they were creating together. Which ones would really last? Which ones would be the most important? Which new experiences should they focus on sharing together in the years to come? What are the moments that will define YOUR marriage?

I recently wrote a post that went viral on The 5 things your kids will remember about you and I thought it was fitting to write one specifically about those enduring memories you and your spouse will share as well. Below are five of the most significant things you and your spouse will remember about each other. I hope these simple truths will help you to stay focused on what truly matters most in your marriage.

In no particular order, I believe your spouse will remember…

1. The things you did for him/her with CONSISTENCY.

Your marriage will be shaped by your habits. When you create a habit of consistently showing thoughtfulness to your spouse, he/she will remember it and treasure those memories. These can be as simple as giving a nightly foot massage, hiding love notes around the house, sending text messages throughout the day just to say “I love you,” or a million other things. Romance in marriage is about much more than big, one-time events; it’s about doing the little things with consistency and thoughtfulness. Those little things add up over time.

2. The times you selflessly SACRIFICED for him/her.

Few things communicate our love as powerfully as those moments of self-sacrifice. From little acts like letting your spouse watch his/her favorite show (even though you think it’s boring) to much bigger acts like making sacrifices in your own career advancement to put the needs and desires of your husband or wife ahead of your own. Be willing to sacrifice your own temporary comforts or preferences for the sake of your spouse, and those moments will create lasting memories of your love.

3. The times you did something UNEXPECTED and THOUGHTFUL.

The first point talked about the importance of consistent things and habits, but your spouse will also remember those times you broke out of the regular routine and did something completely unexpected. Plan a trip and tell your spouse to block off the dates and then surprise them with going to a place he/she has always wanted to go. Purchase that thing he/she has had their eye on for awhile and surprise them with it on a “regular” day (not a birthday or holiday). Go out of your way to create delightful surprises in your marriage. They’ll create some great memories.

4. The times you were VULNERABLE in your COMMUNICATION.

Love requires vulnerability. It means letting down our guard and showing our true self along with all the warts, scars, fears, baggage and hangups we possess. In those moments when you’re willing to share your heart completely and those moments you allow your spouse to share his/her deepest desires or fears without any judgment from you, those moments will help strengthen the sacred bond between a husband and wife and create lasting memories you both will cherish.

5. The times you gave him/her the COURAGE and STRENGTH to keep going.

There will be times in your spouse’s life when he/she won’t feel like they have the strength to keep going (in their career, health, parenting, or even in the marriage). My amazing wife Ashley has wisely said, “A strong marriage rarely has two strong people at the same time. It’s a husband and wife who take turns being strong for each other in the moments when the other feels weak.” Be strong for your spouse in those moments when he/she needs your strength the most. Your strength will give him/her confidence in the moment and treasured memories in the years to come!

How a marriage can survive the worst

6 Keys to maintaining a relationship through terrible times:
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/how-marriage-can-survive-worst

October Date Night (from Willow Creek Community Church)