http://fiercemarriage.com/trust-your-gages-navigating-storms-in-marriage-part-2
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Why You Should Pray for Your Spouse
Article by Kevin A. Thompson
A marriage enjoyed by two people of deep faith should have several characteristics which greatly differ from other marriages. Forgiveness, mercy, passion, and service should be more prevalent in a Christian home. They aren’t always more visible, but they should be.
One of the great gifts which faith should give to a Christian marriage is prayer. On a regular basis, you should pray for your spouse–not just ABOUT them, but FOR them.
Imagine the encouragement it would bring to know that on a nearly daily basis someone is praying for you. They are on your side. They have your back. They are appealing to heaven for your sake.
How Do You Pray For Your Spouse?
Many people would like to pray for their spouse but they do not know how. Prayer is often a topic of obligation for a Christian with very little understanding of how to actually do it. Thankfully, prayer is not as difficult as we make it. And the more we do it, the better we get at it.
Here is a simple outline to use while praying for your spouse:
Thank God for them. Voice to God your gratitude for your spouse. Remember why you fell in love. Thank Him for the privilege of being married (remember, many people long for a spouse or are grieving the loss of a spouse).
Intercede on their behalf. Name your spouse’s greatest struggles for the day. Maybe it is the need for patience during a tough meeting at work. Maybe it is the need for strength while raising toddlers. Whatever the circumstance, understand what is going on in your spouse’s life and lift their concerns to God.
Ask God to reveal Himself to them. While it is important to pray for health and happiness, most of the prayers in the New Testament have a different form. They are prayers asking God to make Himself known to people. Pray that God would reveal Himself in a powerful way to your spouse. If you need language, look at Paul’s prayers in Ephesians or Philippians or Colossians.
Ask God to make you a better spouse. It’s a bold prayer to ask God to change you. No matter who you are, you have weaknesses which can be improved. Asking God to make you a better spouse will challenge your heart to know God, listen to Him, and allow Him to change you.
How Prayer Changes You
Prayer can have a powerful impact on marriage. Not only can God use your prayer to change your spouse, it is guaranteed he will use your prayer to change you.
Whenever you pray for your spouse, you will have more:
Humility. You can’t help but feel humility when you pray for others. As you pray for them, you are reminded of your own need. One of the great dangers in marriage is believing your spouse is more broken than you are. When you believe your spouse is THE problem, you are tempted to feel entitled to something or someone better. Prayer can safeguard your heart from pride.
Compassion. As you pray for someone, you begin to see them more like God sees them. Even if you do not like their actions, you have a better understanding for why they act as they do. If you lack compassion for your spouse, chances are you are not praying for him/her.
Action. One of my favorite sayings when it comes to prayer is “live your prayer.” Whenever you pray about something, you should also make yourself available to God for Him to use you to answer your prayers. When we pray for our spouse’s well-being, we are more likely to act in our spouse’s best interests.
Prayer is not magic. It’s not the secret ingredient which can save any marriage. However, prayer can dramatically change most relationships. If two people would honestly pray for one another and passionately attempt to live their prayer, very few relationships would fail.
Pray for your spouse, not with the intent of manipulation, but with the honest desire for their well-being.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Marriage "Mines"
By R. Scott Rodin
The road to a happy marriage is littered with mines. I can hear you say, “Yep, stepped on a few.” They are explosive and can leave a lot of wounds behind. And yet, they are avoidable, if you are willing to identify them and steer clear.
There are three ‘marriage mines’ I will focus on: my needs, my time and my feelings.
The key to avoiding these mines is in understanding the difference between a stewardand an owner. Here’s a quick definition. Stewards see everything as belonging to God and their role is to take care of all God has given them. Owners see things as belonging to them and they are in control to use them as they please.
Imagine your son borrows your car and brings it back dirty and empty. When you confront him on it he replies, “Hey, I can do what I want. It’s my car.” Feel your blood pressure rising? He was given the role of a steward and he turned it into a negligent owner.
So here is the question – are you an owner or a steward of your marriage? Is it a gift from God that you steward lovingly and selflessly to glorify God, or do you see your marriage as ‘mine’, something you can control for your own ends?
With these definitions in place, let’s look at the three ‘mines’.
Marriage Mine #1: My Needs
Owners in a marriage focus on their own needs and look to their spouse to meet them. This can be overt or subtle. Needs can be for attention, praise, service, sex, etc.
We all have these needs and we hope they are met in our marriages. The key here is whether they are the focus of our marriage (owner) or the result of our desire to first meet the needs of our spouse (steward).
Owners control relationships to be sure their needs are met first. Stewards are free to meet the needs of their spouse first, believing that through sacrificial love, their needs will be met in return.
If you are always looking to get your needs met, you are stepping into a ’mine’ field. Step away and choose instead to be a steward that meets the needs of your spouse first and foremost.
Marriage Mine #2: My Time
Owners protect their time as their time. Stinginess with time is a major marriage ‘mine’ field. How often have you heard these phrases?
- “We don’t spend enough time together.”
- “You don’t spend enough time with the kids.”
- “You’re always spending time with your friends and not me.”
Time in a marriage is a precious commodity. If we use it and control it as owners we will constantly be stepping on the ‘mines’ of time.
Here our Christian faith demands even more of us. The reality is, all time belongs to God. Every second we are alive is a gift from God. Stewards acknowledge this and want nothing less than to invest their time as God directs. They pray about how God would have them use their time and they invest their time in the gifts he has given them. And marriage is at the top of that list.
How different would your marriage be if you both committed every second of your day to God and sought through prayer how He would have you spend it? How many time wasting habits would be broken? How many more minutes and hours would be freed up to invest in each other, in family, in devotions and in prayer?
Steward your time as God’s time and avoid the ‘my time’ mine field.
Marriage Mine #3: My Feelings
Just as with our needs and our time, owners focus on ‘my feelings’ first and try to control situations accordingly.
Owners protect their feelings and exact revenge when they are abused. When two people get entangled in a war of protection and revenge, marriages have hit significant ‘mine’ fields.
Stewards are free to love their spouse and guard their spouse’s feelings instead of their own. They follow the example of Jesus, “We love Him because He first loved us.” By investing our full self in the care taking of the feelings of our spouse, we not only show our love for them, but we set them free to do that same for us.
Steward the feelings of your spouse and avoid the ‘my feelings’ mine field. Remember, any hint of ownership and the whole thing falls apart.
When you turn these ‘mines’ into ‘yours’, ‘ours’ and ‘God’s’, your marriage can grow deeper and richer, and God gets the glory. Are you an owner or a steward of your marriage?
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
Do's and Don'ts during Arguments
Let’s be real…even the happiest married couples have arguments. And, sometimes, it can get ugly.
How we handle disagreements will greatly affect the health and strength of our marriage. It’s healthy to talk things out, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Dave and I have certainly had our share of disagreements, and we often talk to couples who have seriously hurt their partner simply because they don’t know how to navigate arguments. There are a few DOs and DON’Ts that we need to keep in mind when arguing with our spouse:
1. When you are super angry because your spouse disagrees with you…
DON’T: Sling threats at each other.
There are times in our marriage that we will have a heated argument with our spouse, but we must resist completely losing our cool. Many times, we end up threatening one another with things like…
“If you don’t do ______, then I won’t sleep with you.”
or,
“If you do _________, then I am going to take the kids to my mom’s house.”
or, the worst,
“If you __________, then I am going to divorce you.”
This only incites anger in each other and brings healthy communication to a screeching halt. We also end up spewing “word vomit” all over each other, and those hurtful threats are hard to forgive, much less forget.
DO: Let your partner finish his/her statements and calmly share your feelings as well.
If we want to come to a compromise, then we have to try and understand our spouse’s thoughts and feelings. This can only happen when we allow them to speak freely, without interruptions or dirty looks from us. Even if we completely disagree with how they perceive a certain situation, we need to listen intently. When both partners do this calmly, then the line of communication remains wide open, and we will be able to resolve the argument.
2. When you feel like he/she isn’t listening to you at all…
DON’T: Let your anger take over and start screaming at each other.
I don’t know about you, but I tend to stop listening when someone starts yelling at me. I end up shutting down mentally and emotionally. This seems to be the case with most people. Yelling also puts us in “fight or flight” mode. We either approach the argument with our boxing gloves on or we run away and try to act like nothing is wrong. Neither is an effective way to handle an argument.
DO: Ask your partner for a five or ten-minute break and go find a quiet place, alone, to calm down.
It’s hard to think clearly when we are upset, and we often end up saying things that we can never take back. If we end up in a loud, heated exchange with our partner, it’s best to speak up and ask for a five or ten-minute break from each other. Then, both partners can find a quiet place to calm down, gather their thoughts, pray, and think about what they want the outcome of the disagreement to be. This keeps the yelling and hurtful comments at bay, and sometimes, we end up realizing that what we’re arguing about really isn’t that important. On the other hand, if we are disagreeing about a major decision or factor in our marriage and family, the pause in the argument will help us to see things more clearly. Also, if you still feel frazzled and angry after ten minutes, take more time until you calm down and are in a better state of mind to communicate.
3. When you and your spouse are at a standstill, and you can’t seem to resolve the disagreement…
DON’T: Call your Mom or Dad.
This may be a habit for many of you, but this is dangerous territory. No matter how much our parents love our spouse, it is very hard for them to not have a skewed perspective that is perpetually in our favor. Also, it’s unhealthy to place our parent’s opinion or advice ahead of our spouse’s. When we marry, we are “one” with our spouse, and we form our own separate family unit. When we constantly bring our parents into any disagreement we may have with our partners, we are failing to “leave and cleave” (Genesis). Sure, we value our parent’s advice, but we don’t need to tell Mom and Dad all the details of our arguments or all the things we don’t like about our spouse.
DO: Call an accountability partner or counselor.
It’s hard for our family to see past our personal perspective of an argument, but a counselor or accountability partner can be more objective. If we constantly argue with our spouse, then we really need to see a professional counselor. It is not healthy to live in consistent disagreement, and a counselor is trained to help couples learn the tools necessary to create peaceful home. If we have the occasional argument that we just can’t resolve, an accountability partner is extremely useful. This could be a friend that shares your values and desire to maintain a strong marriage. The accountability partner must be of our same gender and not part of our immediate family (i.e. Mom, Dad, sibling). As accountability partners, the two of you will check in weekly and talk through some of the problems you are facing in your marriage. In order for this to work, we have to be able to share the truth “in love” and not just tell our accountability partner what he/she wants to hear. We are supposed to encourage him/her to communicate freely, put pride aside, and keep the marriage strong.
4. When you can’t bring yourself to address a certain issue in your marriage…
DON’T: Act like there is no problem at all and build up resentment towards your spouse.
We are not mind readers. We must communicate daily with our spouse, and we certainly need to address any issues we’re having in our marriage. Sometimes, our partner is clueless that there is a problem. An unspoken marital issue is like an undiagnosed cancer in our marriage. Just because we haven’t discussed the issue doesn’t mean it’s not present. We have to be open and honest, even when what we have to say is unfavorable.
DO: Write down your thoughts and feelings about the issue, and have your spouse read it.
If we can’t bring ourselves to talk about an issue, then why not write it down? This can be extremely effective because we can take the time to really think about how we want to address the issue with our spouse and how we would like to say it to him/her. We have more of a filter with our tone and approach when we write things down. I recommend handwriting the note or typing it out and physically handing it to your spouse instead of delivering it via text or email. You want to be sure that your spouse receives it at an appropriate time and place, so he/she can give the note his/her full attention. We need to allow our spouse time to process what we write in the note, and give him/her time to respond. This gets the ball rolling and will help us to effectively address and resolve the issue.
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