Anchored, Not Adrift: Biblical Marriage in a Self-First World

We are living in a cultural moment where covenant feels outdated and personal choice reigns supreme. Convenience is often valued over commitment. Feelings are treated as ultimate truth. Marriage, in many cases, is viewed more like a contract—kept as long as it benefits me—rather than a covenant that reflects Christ. And yet, Scripture paints a very different picture.

This isn’t about ignoring emotions or pretending struggles aren’t real. God created our feelings. He cares deeply about our joy. No one should aspire to a miserable or loveless marriage. But when “me” becomes the priority instead of “we,” and when feelings become the foundation instead of Christ, marriages begin to drift. Drifting always feels natural. Anchoring requires intention.

Marriage Is a Covenant, Not a Contract

A contract says, “As long as you meet my expectations, I’ll stay.”
A covenant says, “I am giving myself to you.”

Malachi 2:14 calls marriage a covenant before God. Jesus reinforces its permanence in Matthew 19:6: “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Biblical marriage is not built on fluctuating emotion but on faithful commitment. Feelings may ebb and flow, but covenant love chooses to stay, to fight for unity, to forgive, to pursue reconciliation. The Gospel is the model.

Marriage Reflects the Gospel

Ephesians 5:25–32 makes it clear: marriage is meant to be a living picture of Christ and His Church. Husbands are called to love sacrificially—“as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Wives are called to respond with respect and partnership. The standard isn’t culture. It’s Christ.

Jesus didn’t love us because we were easy to love. He loved us while we were sinners (Romans 5:8). He didn’t walk away when we failed Him. He pursued us, forgave us, and remains faithful even when we are not (2 Timothy 2:13). When a husband and wife forgive, serve, and pursue each other even when it’s hard, they are preaching a visible sermon about the Gospel. Your marriage is not just about your happiness. It’s about God’s glory.

Culture Says “Self First.” Scripture Says “Die to Self.”

Philippians 2:3–4 says: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Imagine what would happen if both husband and wife entered the day asking, “How can I serve you?” instead of “Are you meeting my needs?”

Self-centeredness suffocates marriage. Self-sacrifice strengthens it. The enemy knows this. If he can fracture marriages, he destabilizes homes. If he destabilizes homes, children suffer. One of the most strategic ways to attack the next generation is to weaken covenant faithfulness in this one. We must not drift toward culture. We must anchor in Christ.

Practical Ways to Live Out a Biblical Marriage

Here are some simple, intentional ways couples can live anchored rather than adrift:

1. Prioritize Spiritual Unity

Pray together—even briefly. Read Scripture together when possible. Attend church consistently. Spiritual intimacy strengthens emotional intimacy. “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” (Psalm 127:1)

2. Choose Forgiveness Quickly

Bitterness is slow poison. Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to forgive “as God in Christ forgave you.” Don’t let small offenses become large divides.

3. Speak Life

Proverbs 18:21 says death and life are in the power of the tongue. Encourage each other. Thank each other. Say what you appreciate.

4. Protect Your “We”

Guard your time together. Date your spouse. Turn off distractions. Your marriage deserves intentional investment.

5. Fight the Right Enemy

Your spouse is not your enemy. The real enemy delights in division (John 10:10). When conflict arises, stand side-by-side against the problem, not face-to-face against each other.

What to Pray for Each Other

Encourage couples to regularly pray privately for their spouse:

• Lord, deepen their love for You.

• Protect their mind from discouragement and temptation.

• Help them walk in wisdom and integrity.

• Strengthen them in areas of weakness.

• Let me see them the way You see them.

What to Pray Together

Even simple, short prayers matter:

• “Lord, help us put You first.”

• “Guard our unity.”

• “Teach us to forgive quickly.”

• “Use our marriage to point our kids to Jesus.”

• “Make our home a place of peace and Gospel witness.”

Anchored in Christ

Marriage was never meant to float on the current of culture. It was meant to be anchored in Christ. Feelings are a gift—but they are not the foundation. Convenience is appealing—but covenant is sustaining. Personal choice matters—but sacrificial love transforms.

When a husband and wife choose covenant over convenience, humility over self-protection, and Christ over culture, they are building something that lasts. Not a perfect marriage. But a faithful one. And in a world that has reduced marriage to a contract, a faithful covenant stands out as a powerful testimony to the never-ending love of God for His bride.

Listening That Leads to Understanding

 

One of the most common phrases heard in marriage counseling is, “You’re not listening to me.” Rarely does this mean words weren’t heard. More often, it means understanding was never reached.

Biblical communication is not merely about speaking—it is about understanding one another in love. Scripture reminds us, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). Listening well is not passive; it is an intentional act of love. When husbands and wives truly listen, they create space for care, trust, and emotional safety to grow.

Listening Is About Understanding, Not Winning

We often equate communication with being heard. While it is good and right to want to be heard, communication breaks down when the goal stops there. Biblical listening seeks understanding, not agreement or victory.

Proverbs 18:13 warns, “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.” When we rush to defend ourselves, solve the problem, or dismiss our spouse’s feelings, we may communicate words—but we miss the heart. Understanding says, “I see you. I hear you. Your experience matters to me.”

This does not mean husbands and wives must always agree. Unity is not uniformity. But Scripture consistently calls believers—and especially spouses—to avoid contempt, harshness, and dismissal. “Love is patient, love is kind… it is not self-seeking” (1 Corinthians 13:4–5). To invalidate a spouse’s feelings or perspective is to undermine the very oneness God designed marriage to reflect (Genesis 2:24).

Healthy Listening Requires Healthy Expression

Good listening and healthy speaking go hand in hand. Husbands and wives must learn to ask for what they need, welcome questions, and express emotions clearly and graciously.

Ephesians 4:15 encourages believers to “speak the truth in love.” Truth without love can wound. Love without truth can confuse. Healthy communication invites clarity without cruelty and honesty without hostility.

Being emotional is not wrong—God gave us emotions. But allowing emotions to control the tone, timing, or words of our communication often leads to damage rather than understanding. “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). The goal is not to suppress feelings, but to express them in a way that builds up rather than tears down.

Practical Steps to Practice Listening Well in Marriage

Here are four simple, practical steps couples can begin practicing immediately:

1. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond

When your spouse is speaking, resist the urge to rehearse your reply. Ask clarifying questions like, “Help me understand what you’re feeling,” or “What did that situation mean to you?” Understanding should come before explanation or defense.

2. Reflect Before You React

Before responding, briefly summarize what you heard: “What I’m hearing is…” This not only slows the conversation but helps your spouse feel seen and validated—even if you don’t agree with their conclusion.

3. Ask for What You Need Clearly and Graciously

Assume responsibility for your needs. Instead of accusations (“You never…”), try requests (“What I need right now is…”). Clear, calm requests reduce defensiveness and invite partnership.

4. Validate Without Necessarily Agreeing

Validation sounds like, “I may see this differently, but I understand why you feel that way.” Validation communicates respect. Agreement may not always happen—but dismissal should never happen in a Christ-centered marriage.

Listening Is an Act of Love

At its core, listening well is about love. It is a tangible way husbands and wives care for one another. When spouses feel understood, they feel valued. When they feel valued, trust grows. And when trust grows, marriages become safer, stronger, and more reflective of Christ’s love for His church (Ephesians 5:25).

Listening does not solve every conflict—but without understanding, no conflict can truly be resolved. In marriage, love listens.

5 C's All Marriages Need More Of

 

If you want your marriage to thrive, and hopefully every spouse does, plan on working hard on a few key things. Here are 5 Cs all marriages need more of.

Read Article

Your Marriage was Made for Tough Times

 

"My expectations for my marriage to Susan involved a lot of 'for better' and 'for richer' and 'in health.' Sure, I promised 'for worse' and 'for poorer' and 'in sickness,' but I didn’t expect hard times in marriage, until we had them. And in those early years, I realized that marriage is not just made for the best of times. Your marriage, and mine, is made for tough times—which can actually strengthen your marriage. Here’s how....."

Read Article

7 Ways You Bring Out the Best in Your Spouse

 

"While there is no perfect formula, spouses that bring out the best in each other typically do these 7 things".....

Read Article

5 Ways to Keep God at the Center of Your Marriage"

"How does an abstract concept like ‘Keep God at the center of marriage’ become practical? How do we pull this off when we’re legitimately hurt or disappointed? When day-to-day stress tries to crowd out the centrality of God? Here are five suggestions, rooted in both research and scripture".....

 Read Article

5 Things to Leave Out of a Fight with Your Spouse

 

"When arguing as a couple, we know what presses our spouse’s buttons. The longer you’re married, the more you know what will get at the other. When we argue, there are things we do that aren’t helpful and in fact cause more problems. Here are 5 things to leave out of a fight with your spouse....."

Read Article