One of the most common phrases heard in marriage counseling is, “You’re not listening to me.” Rarely does this mean words weren’t heard. More often, it means understanding was never reached.
Biblical communication is not merely about speaking—it is about understanding one another in love. Scripture reminds us, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). Listening well is not passive; it is an intentional act of love. When husbands and wives truly listen, they create space for care, trust, and emotional safety to grow.
Listening Is About Understanding, Not Winning
We often equate communication with being heard. While it is good and right to want to be heard, communication breaks down when the goal stops there. Biblical listening seeks understanding, not agreement or victory.
Proverbs 18:13 warns, “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.” When we rush to defend ourselves, solve the problem, or dismiss our spouse’s feelings, we may communicate words—but we miss the heart. Understanding says, “I see you. I hear you. Your experience matters to me.”
This does not mean husbands and wives must always agree. Unity is not uniformity. But Scripture consistently calls believers—and especially spouses—to avoid contempt, harshness, and dismissal. “Love is patient, love is kind… it is not self-seeking” (1 Corinthians 13:4–5). To invalidate a spouse’s feelings or perspective is to undermine the very oneness God designed marriage to reflect (Genesis 2:24).
Healthy Listening Requires Healthy Expression
Good listening and healthy speaking go hand in hand. Husbands and wives must learn to ask for what they need, welcome questions, and express emotions clearly and graciously.
Ephesians 4:15 encourages believers to “speak the truth in love.” Truth without love can wound. Love without truth can confuse. Healthy communication invites clarity without cruelty and honesty without hostility.
Being emotional is not wrong—God gave us emotions. But allowing emotions to control the tone, timing, or words of our communication often leads to damage rather than understanding. “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). The goal is not to suppress feelings, but to express them in a way that builds up rather than tears down.
Practical Steps to Practice Listening Well in Marriage
Here are four simple, practical steps couples can begin practicing immediately:
1. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
When your spouse is speaking, resist the urge to rehearse your reply. Ask clarifying questions like, “Help me understand what you’re feeling,” or “What did that situation mean to you?” Understanding should come before explanation or defense.
2. Reflect Before You React
Before responding, briefly summarize what you heard: “What I’m hearing is…” This not only slows the conversation but helps your spouse feel seen and validated—even if you don’t agree with their conclusion.
3. Ask for What You Need Clearly and Graciously
Assume responsibility for your needs. Instead of accusations (“You never…”), try requests (“What I need right now is…”). Clear, calm requests reduce defensiveness and invite partnership.
4. Validate Without Necessarily Agreeing
Validation sounds like, “I may see this differently, but I understand why you feel that way.” Validation communicates respect. Agreement may not always happen—but dismissal should never happen in a Christ-centered marriage.
Listening Is an Act of Love
At its core, listening well is about love. It is a tangible way husbands and wives care for one another. When spouses feel understood, they feel valued. When they feel valued, trust grows. And when trust grows, marriages become safer, stronger, and more reflective of Christ’s love for His church (Ephesians 5:25).
Listening does not solve every conflict—but without understanding, no conflict can truly be resolved. In marriage, love listens.
