Not your best.
Not your focus.
Not your energy.
Just the leftovers.
The Reality We Don’t Always Say Out Loud
We give ourselves away all day long—and often to good things. Work matters. Ministry matters. People matter. But somewhere along the way, it becomes easy to give our best out there and our leftovers at home.
Andy Stanley, in Choosing to Cheat, asks a powerful question: When work and family collide, who wins? His answer is simple: You’re going to cheat something—just don’t cheat your family. And in our context, let’s make it even more personal: Don’t cheat your spouse.
Your First Calling Is Not Your Kids
This may push against what we often feel, but it’s important: Your first human relationship is your spouse—not your children. Children are a gift. They are a stewardship. But your marriage is a covenant. Scripture is clear:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)
That kind of love isn’t leftover love. It’s sacrificial. Intentional. Costly.
And wives are called to love and respect their husbands in a way that reflects that same intentionality (Ephesians 5:22–24, 33).
Healthy families are built on strong marriages—not the other way around.
Good Marriages Don’t Just Happen
No one drifts into a great marriage. You can drift into distance. You can drift into routine. You can drift into coexisting. But you don’t drift into intimacy, connection, or a Christ-centered marriage. Those things require attention, effort, and intentionality If we don’t decide ahead of time to give our spouse our best, we will naturally give them what’s left.
Why This Matters Spiritually
This isn’t just about having a better relationship. It’s about obedience. God has already shown us what love looks like.
“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)
And the clearest picture of that love is Christ: He pursued us, He sacrificed for us, He gave His best—not what was convenient When we love our spouse well, we are reflecting the gospel in everyday life.
Practical Ways to Give Your Spouse Your Best
This is where intentionality becomes visible. Here are some simple, practical ways to fight against giving leftovers. You know these but may just need a little reminder:
1. Decide Before the Day Begins
Don’t wait until you’re exhausted to “try” to love well.
Start your day with a simple mindset: “My spouse gets my best today.”
Pray for them. Text them encouragement. Choose them before the day even starts.
2. Create a Transition Moment
Most of us carry the weight of the day straight into our homes.
Instead, build a habit:
- Sit in the car for 2 minutes and reset
- Pray before walking in
- Take a deep breath and shift your mindset
Walk into your home present, not preoccupied.
3. Give Undistracted Attention
One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is your attention.
- Put your phone down
- Turn off the TV
- Make eye contact
- Ask real questions
Even 10–15 minutes of focused attention can change the tone of a relationship.
4. Schedule Connection, Not Just Responsibilities
If it’s not intentional, it won’t happen.
- Plan date nights
- Schedule time to talk
- Protect time together like you would any important meeting
You don’t “find” time—you make it.
5. Learn What Feels Like “Best” to Them
What feels meaningful to you may not feel meaningful to your spouse. Ask: “What helps you feel loved?” or “When do you feel most connected to me?” Then act on it.
6. Serve, Don’t Keep Score
Love isn’t transactional. It doesn’t say: “I’ll give my best when they do.” It says: “I will love because God has called me to love.” Take initiative. Serve first. Let your love lead.
7. Extend Grace (Because You Won’t Get This Perfect)
You will have days when you’re tired. Days when you fall short. Days when you do give leftovers. Don’t excuse it—but don’t be defeated by it either. A healthy marriage isn’t built on perfection. It’s built on repentance, grace, and starting again.
A Simple Question to Carry With You
At the end of the day, ask yourself: “Did my spouse get my best today—or my leftovers?” You're not asking this to feel guilty or shame. But you're asking becasue you want to grow. The world will always ask for more. Work will always demand more. People will always need more. Opportunities will always be there. But your spouse is a covenant relationship God has entrusted to you. So make the decision—again and again: Don’t give them what’s left. Give them your best.
